


dancing on my own

by hambamthankyoumaam (Random13245)



Series: songfics [8]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, F/M, Gay John Laurens, Heavy Angst, Is there an archive warning for Extremely Sad and Emotionally Crushing?, Kind of a songfic, LAMS ANGST, M/M, Sad, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, i'm not crying you're crying, the author is crying too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 23:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11091840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random13245/pseuds/hambamthankyoumaam
Summary: Somebody said you got a new friend/Does she love you better than I can?/There's a big black sky over my town/I know where you're at, I bet she's aroundAnd yeah, I know it's stupid/But I just gotta see it for myselfI'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh oh oh/I'm right over here, why can't you see me, oh oh oh/And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home, ooh/I keep dancing on my ownI'm just wanna dance all night/And I'm all messed up, I'm so out of line, yeah/Stilettos and broken bottles/I'm spinning around in circlesSo far away but still so near/The lights come up, the music dies/But you don't see me standing here/I just came to say goodbyeI'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh/And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home, ooh/I keep dancing on my ownor; sad sad crying sad sad





	dancing on my own

John had heard from a friend of a friend that Alexander had moved on- he had a girlfriend. His heart ached just at the thought of someone else with Alexander- _his_ Alexander. But, no, he wasn't _his_ Alexander, not anymore, he couldn't claim him like that. And yet he couldn't help but wonder what she was like, if she was as loving and he'd once been.

He knew it would only hurt worse, but he had to see it with his own eyes. He had to see them to really believe it. So, through that friend of a friend he found himself invited to a party where Alexander would be, presumably with his new girlfriend.

He sat down in one of the far corners, holding a cup of something strong, he wasn't sure what exactly it was, but he'd told the person handling drinks to give him something that would make him forget. He'd need it, he knew that much.

Across the room, Alexander stood with his arm around a girl’s waist. She was undeniably beautiful. Sleek black hair, dark eyes, and a sweet smile. John sighed. It was no mystery why Alexander would've chosen her. For one, she was beautiful.

For another, he didn't have to hide his relationship with her. John still felt guilty for that- he wasn't out to anyone except for a few friends and (now ex) boyfriends. Alexander had been so accommodating, readily having excuses for anyone who asked too many questions about the closeness of their relationship. His stomach twisted.

He always felt like he was holding Alexander down, and now it was clear that he was. With this girl, Alexander was so openly affectionate, something he couldn't have done with John. He felt like puking.

Alexander sat with the girl, kissing her once, slowly, before getting up to retrieve drinks for both of them.

John took a large swig of his drink.

For a moment, it seemed Alexander might see him- standing there, holding a quickly emptying cup, staring at him- but he didn't. He grabbed two cups and filled them before turning around again. John wasn't sure how he didn't, how Alexander could miss the way his eyes were burning holes in the back of his head.

 _I’m right here, dammit,_ John felt tears building behind his eyes. He blinked them away. He took another swig. His vision blurred, but not because of the tears that were threatening to pour over.

It wasn't even fair, John had been the one to end the relationship, he had no right to feel so jealous, Alexander had every right to move on. But, he knew in the back of his mind, he hadn't really wanted to end the relationship. Nor had Alexander. It hurt to walk away that day, but he had to do it. Alexander was so far above him, so far John couldn't reach anymore, and he grew tired of stretching to touch the star that was Alexander Hamilton.

So he left. And now, he found himself here; watching someone he still loved kissing someone else. Someone who was on Alexander’s level, someone who could reach without stretching.

His vision was almost completely obscured, equal parts caused by rising tears and the alcohol finally hitting. His throat burned, though he wasn't sure it that was from the acrid liquid sliding down it, or the sobs struggling up it.

He closed his eyes for a solid minute, counting the seconds. He opened them to a clearer world. He could see his mistakes so clearly. Leaving Alexander was his first- though, upon reflection, maybe dating him in the first place was the first mistake- and coming here came next. Watching him with his arm around this girl, this beautiful, sunlit girl… he wasn't sure anymore what his original intent had been by coming.

He refilled his cup, having finished his previous drink. Within a few minutes, that drink was gone, too. And with it, his inhibitions.

He staggered to his feet, the sheer amount of alcohol he'd ingested almost knocking him off his feet. On unsteady and unsure legs, he found himself moving towards Alexander. Maybe if he knew this girl’s name, he'd have an easier time accepting it, his drunken mind told him.

“Hello.” He managed to get the word to sound sober enough. He held out his hand to the girl. “John Laurens.” He ignored the stunned, possibly hurt, look on Alexander’s face, and instead focused on the bright girl.

“Elizabeth Schuyler, it's nice to meet you.” Her smile was warm. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I'm…” his voice trailed, the edges of his mind blurring and the tips of his words slurring, “an old friend,” he lied, he was too drunk anyway to tell, “of Alexander’s.” He shot Alexander a sloppy, drunken smile. He watched Alexander struggle to return it. His smile was tight and tempered.

“Oh! He's never mentioned you.” Elizabeth said, meaning well.

“I wouldn't expect him to,” John said honestly, “it's been awhile.” He said, lying again. His accent was slipping through his teeth, the southern charm possibly helping his believability. In reality, it had only been a month- a _month_ \- since he'd left Alexander. One month was all Alexander had needed to move on from a nearly two-year relationship. Though it could hardly be called that, they couldn't go on dates or be openly a couple in most situations. How they'd lasted so long, John wasn't sure.

Elizabeth laughed. Her laugh was a sweet and warm as her personality. John realized then that she wasn't on the same level as Alexander, she was way above him. No wonder, Alexander was tired of looking down to find love. He always was the type to aim for the sky.

“Well, I have to go,” he continued to drunkenly lie, “but it was nice to meet you.” He gave her a pleasant nod before looking at Alexander and giving him an ambiguous stare for just a moment. And then he turned and walked away.

**Author's Note:**

> Depending on how this is received, I might turn this into a multi-chapter thing and give it a happy ending. Or a sad one, wherever the story takes me.


End file.
